Sorry for the silence

So long since I really wrote, not only because I seemed to be making no progress and slumped into a deep depression requiring tubs of chocolate icecream and family sized bags of M&M's, but mainly due to the fact my husband (who is a legend in his own lunchtime) has stopped going to the gym on Tuesday and Thursday nights, effectively robbing me of my 'alone' time which I used for writing and also experimenting with mud and cling film.
it is also true I have been ill on and off for about 5 weeks but now feeling pretty good again, the days seem to be brightening up and the rain, at least for now, is holding off. Yesterday i had another tennis lesson and i have to admit, I enjoyed it. I even made grunting noises like Martina Navratolova and had to run a few times! By the end of half an hour I was  bright red and sweaty, but feeling ever so happy with myself!
This last week also managed to haul my lazy ass out of bed in the morning and take the dogs for a walk so they are happier and less stressed than usual and life is good.
The good news worth broadcasting is that I am still under the 80K mark even if I haven't been follwing my own advice, so here goes again for the big push! I'm signing myself, dogs and hubby up for a fun run on Sunday 28 March! Photos to follow...

weighty subjects after dinner

Hello folks, sorry about my absence. Partly due to time restraint as working like a dog (which would be great as my dogs quite frankly do less than nothing), and mostly due to this crappy flu-cold thing which is consuming all my energy.
On the plus side I can't taste anything and eating is really hard work so maybe I've lost a bit of weight thanks to the blocked up nose and respiratory problems! The downside of course is no stretching or exercising of any kind as any jerky movements make my eyes feel as if they're popping out of my head.
One of my lovely friends has suggested I give Weightwatchers online a try, I am open to all suggestions but will hold out for independence a little longer as I have an aversion to authority (especially when I am not the authority).
I'm reading a great book called 'Why the World is Fat' and is a scientific breakdown of the changes in culture starting with the introduction of labour saving devices and going up to fast food and convenience food. Right now I'm at the bit where she explains that just by buying a dishwasher you'll find your self 2lbs heavier at the end of the year! Washing up burns approx 10 calories an hour, supposing you spend half an hour after every meal washing up in a year you've used 5475 calories which you'll stop using if you buy a dishwasher! She adds up all these tiny changes and claims that it is for these reasons the global population is quickly becoming obese!
The other interesting thing she says, which weightwatchers also teaches, is that previously we drank only water when we were thirsty. Now we drink soft drinks from childhood, putting into our bodies hundreds of calories every day which don't help sate our hunger. I must admit, when I stopped drinking wine with my evening meal I did lose weight easier. But it's not easy to forgo!
I promise I'll get back on track with new stats on Monday, even if they're bad news I'll air my dirty laundry and carry on the valiant fight!
Adios amigos!

rain, rain go away!

Sitting here after that fantastic cake and no exercise because of the rain! So still not losing weight and my time is short so I haven't been slapping mud on although I have been using the roller machine I mentioned before, I don't think it is particularly efficacious but it hurts a bit...
I did weigh myself this morning and the damage wasn't too bad I suppose, tipped the scales at 79.6kg hey ho it's a long and dirty road I'm walking...
Haven't been able to play tennis due to rain stopping play and anyway have a stiff neck, and a terrible cold which reminds me of being 5 years old and worrying about how to eat without opening my mouth to breath. There began my career as an underwater swimmer methinks!
Would like to note that when you feel as if your head is a size 14 bowling ball it's difficult to follow all those top tips I mentioned earlier, so please forgive me for the time being and rest assured as soon as service resumes I'll keep you infirmed (I meant informed).

Valentine's day uhoh!

Well my true love went out today and bought me a massive bouquet of flowers for which he was placed quite firmly in my good books for the week, yes I know I'm generous, but flowers have that effect on me! And then as I got out of the car I noticed an interesting container form the patisserie in the back ?
'ohmygiddyaunt what have you gone and been and done?! You promised NO CHOCOLATES!' I couldn't shout because obviously I was weeping inside for the cellulite, but was secretly crying with joy, 'don't worry darling,' was his suave reply, it isn't a chocolate cake, it's ricotta cheese.' Oh my favourite!! 1 kilo of cake between two of us, needless to say I won't be standing on the scales tomorrow...
Happy romantic supper!

sorry I'm late

Ok it's late but I just have time to share with you all that the tennis lesson was a resounding success. As I was missing ball after ball I imagined the perfect athletic physique of Venus and Serena Williams, and reminded myself I was taking my first steps to a BodyBeautiful...
in fact yesterday and today I can feel a tightening, or compacting going on in my hips and my rib cage and back are sore, (I never have any reason to use my arms except to clean the board, and I have students queing up to do that!) and my butt feels less wobbly.
I have  booked another lesson for Wednesday, and will keep you posted. Tonight we go up Etna to work on the land we're closing, so no lack of exercise tomorrow!
Baywatch Body here I come!

breakthrough!

Good news after my last post! I weighed myself this morning and I had lost a little bit! I'm now 78.9kg! Furthermore, in my quest to cheer myself up I measured myself again and I have lost a couple more cm!
7 Feb                       9 Feb
Hips 111                  111
Waist 83                   81.5
Bust 105                  102.5

Ahhhh! I feel so much better now!
Wednesday I tried to go for a run but the track was closed and I had to run up and down 100m until I got bored (approx 12 minutes). SO, I decided to try tennis lessons! Those of you who remember my sporting prowess at school may laugh heartily at this but seeing as I proved all my language teachers wrong by learning Italian, who knows if I may manage to return a serve in tennis after a few hours of lessons? I have my first lesson tomorrow, and i must admit I'm looking forward to it!
I heard a TOP TIP today from a doctor who is a student of mine, you must eat 5 times a day MINIMUM, otherwise your metabolism goes to sleep and tries to store the calories if you eat less... don't know how much truth there is in it but I LIKE IT!!

uphill struggle

So I've been really trying this week, and NO RESULTS, actually, even worse. I saw an increase on the scales. Yesterday I weighed myself and I had put on 1 kilo 300 g or almost three lbs!
What went wrong? I have been exercising almost every morning, cutting down on my portions, follwing my own advice about parking the car etc etc and all to no avail...
But I will not be down-hearted, this is only a temporary set-back. If I know I have been seriously following the plan, then there is no reason why the weight won't come off next week. I mean it took me years to get this big, maybe it needs to come off as slowly as it went on!?
For example, this weekend I went up Etna to help my husband clear some land and spent approximately 6 hours clearing rubbish, moving rocks and sawing branches. Today my muscles are killing me! I didn't eat any biscuits, while the others stuffed their faces, I had a half portion of homemade pasta and tomato sauce, and instead of meatballs I had grilled chicken breast. How is it possible the scales show an increase!?
To cheer myself up I measured myself to keep a record and I have already lost a couple of centimetres on the thighs, after doing those mud packs. (the second one wasn't as bad as the first one had been, thank God!)
5 Feb 2011               7 Feb
Left Thigh   65cm      65cm
Right Thigh 67cm       67cm
hips            113cm      111cm
waist           85 cm      83cm
bust           105 cm      105cm

That is wonderful! and it is coming off on the right places more or less. Do you remember that when I measured my thighs before mud they were 68cm? I'm so happy!

I was wondering if having a cold could weigh you down, as my body seems to be producing industrial amounts of mucus this last two weeks! Is that possible?

Tonight I'm going to try a cellulite roller that I bought two years ago and never used, I think it's by clinique. I'll let you all know how it goes.


I'll also try to weigh fat dog, who in my opinion, is looking slightly less chubby lately. I have been taking them out a bit more and walking more quickly to try to keep her heart rate up!

Well I just tried to pick her up and stand on the scales and nearly gave myself a hernia! I couldn't really see the weight but it appeared to me to be 38kilos... but more news on that tommorrow when my helpful husband is available.

Helpful Husbands and other TOP TIPS

Since I started this project my husband has been trying to get his lardy arse on my already full band-wagon. I know he's trying to help, and that he too would love to lose 10 kilos but it gets tiring trying to explain to someone who believes olive oil is beneficial to your health why I don't want to pour it over my salad. 'But it isn't butter!' he exclaims, horrified by my ignorance. All my explanations of calorific calculations go out of the window as he proclaims that 'eating pasta doesn't make you fat.'
How can I get it through his thick skull that NOTHING makes you fat, except excess calorie consumption compared to calories burned!
I know myself; I must feel free, free to eat a bit of chocolate or free to decide I don't want to eat it. If I have someone lecturing me about 'strict' diets being bad for my health, just because I found the will, this minute NOT to eat the damn chocolate- I'm gonna freak out and eat a whole litre of ice cream just to prove to myself I'm not a fanatic!
No seriously though, I know I am responsible for my body shape and that is a great motivator. Every little thing I can do is positive, so when my student is writing feverishly and I'm secretly counting how many times I can tighten my stomach muscles until they finish, that is more exercise done than if I had sat there on my blubber and stared at the ceiling.
Here are some TOP TIPS for making small changes-

1. PARK THE CAR A BIT FURTHER AWAY THAN USUAL. I'm not saying, walk to work, or anything crazy like that, just don't fight with the crowds to park right outside the supermarket doors. That way you're taking 50 steps more than you would have done otherwise.

2. STAND UP MORE AT WORK. Obviously, if like me you have a sedentary job, you need to make your movement relevant, so for example I try to move around the class more, or instead of sending someone else to get something, I go myself. Try it! Get up, offer to make your colleagues a cup of tea, post a letter, clean the windows! I cleaned the windows yesterday and realised it's been MONTHS since I felt my arm muscles!

3. DON'T  WASTE A MINUTE. While you're waiting for the kettle to boil, stretch, skip, jump, hop...you get the idea. Those minutes add up! In the queue in the post office, clench your butt cheeks together 100 times, tummy tightning clenches anything that stops you standing there  drooping your saggy bits and shuffling forward listlessly.

4. DRINK MORE WATER. Not only does it eventually replace FAT, it helps you flush out all the crap you've been eating for the last blah years, speeds up digestion and makes you feel more alert. Can also help reduce hunger pangs if you're trying not to snack.

5.DON'T DENY YOURSELF. If you want to eat, EAT;  but try a little bit of chocolate or just one biscuit instead of a fistful. Another great way to feel good about eating is to buy really good quality chocolate or biscuits. That way one will make you feel special, and you will really enjoy it and you won't buy a whole kilo just because it was on special offer!

6. WALK TALL. I read somewhere that in Burma (I think) people believe who are connected to heaven by a golden thread which extends upwards from the top of your head. Imagine you have this thread holding your head up towards the sky. Try to walk as if you are suspended, everything long and graceful, feel the stretch on the thighs as you push out behind and lengthen your legs before you take another step. This is a great way to slim down those bulky bits!
These are my ideas for this week, let's see if I can keep up the momentum!
Oh yes, I bought a tape measure, so I'm going to measure all my wobbly bits and see if the volume reduces as well as the weight!
Oh yes, someone asked about the SUPER SCALES, the make I have is LAICA PL8039 but I saw in the Argos catalogue weightwatcher 4 in 1 body analyser scale which appear to have the same functions.
I wondered if anyone can recommend a calorie counter? Has anyone got any experience of using one? What are your impressions? Useful or useless?

Super Scales Stats versus liposuction

About two stone ago ( and years) I bought these all singing all dancing scales. The only things they don't do is laugh, (thank God!) and diet for you (shame!) But they're a bit complicated, and must admit I've never got round to doing the maths in the instruction book.
Maybe by writing it down I'll actually understand something for the first time about these scales.

First of all you have to tell the scales your details, age, sex and height. I put 5 foot 7 and a half, 38 years old and quite clearly, female.
Then when you hop on the scale sends a , hang on, let me quote from the excellent instruction booklet;
'By means of electrodes placed on the platform, the scale sends a weak low intensity electric current that passes through the body mass. The electric current reacts in a different way according to the masses it passes through; the lean body mass opposes a weak resistance, while the fat body mass has a greater resistance.'
The first time I stood on it I was waiting to feel a tingling, or some indication of the current passing through my body. Disappointingly, it's totally thrill -free.
Anyway, on with the maths
when I started this blog these were my stats
KG 81 12st 10lb
BF 36% body fat
BW 43.2% body water
29.6 muscle mass
10.9 bone mass

As of the day before yesterday ( I haven't dared weigh myself since then because I have been eating a bit too much soft cheese and wine)

KG 79.00 12st5lb
BF 34.9 %
BW 44.2 %
MM 30.1%
Bone 10.9 kg

This proves that the first lbs lost are NOT liquid as we have been led to believe, but blubber!! Good news all round I think you will agree.

The instruction manual says- 'when there is a high percentage  of fat or a reduced muscular mass, the body water percentage is always too low.'
'Women, having normally more adipose tissue than men have a water percentage of 55% - 58% and men have about 60-62%. Obese people have a lower water percentage than lean people.'

 Did you get that? 'Obese people have a lower water percentage than lean people.'

That means you must drink more water if you are fat and you want to lose weight. In fact one of the positive things about these scales is they make me think about drinking water more regularly.
Ok, time for the maths, they have included an example to work out how much excess fat you have to lose and I will enter my stats to get the results for me.

 Entered data: female, 172 cm tall, 38 years old
Data calculated by the scale :Weight KG 79,BF 34.9 %,BW 44.2 %, MM 30.1%,Bones 10.9 kg
percentage of lean body mass is 100-34.9=65.1%
water percent is 44.2%
body fat is made up as follows:

essential fat = 79kg x 12% (necessary fat as dictated by the instruction book, NECESSARY FAT!! Fantastic..;-).) =9.48 kg
spare fat = 79kg x 15% (spare fat which is necessary for good functioning etc etc also fantastic;-)!!) = 11.85 kg
total body fat therefore 9.48+11.85=21.33 kg which over my total body weight of 79kg = 27% which is my ideal Body Fat Percent compared with actual body fat percent of 34.9%
difference is 34.9 - 27 = 7.9% applies to the total weight of 79 kg is 10kg overweight or 1st 8lbsTOO FAT!!
Wow I did it, the maths got me rather confused but finally 12st 5lbs minus 1st 8lbs = ideal weight of 10st 9lbs ? is that right? it is difficult doing subtractions with units of 14lbs... let's work from the other side, 69kilos x2.2lbs =152 / 14 = 10stone 12lbs
IDEAL WEIGHT 10st 10lbs (to avoid arguments) or 69kg.
GOAL reach ideal weight before JUNE 16 2011 (my wedding anniversary) and then to keep it off FOREVER!!
Would it be easier to do liposuction I wonder??? Perhaps, but certainly less entertaining!

FAT MUD - does it work?

So, for all you would be cellulite free fanatics out there, as promised, last night I rushed home from my sedentary job and slapped MUD on my thighs and wrapped myself in cling film.
Luckily for  the internet as a whole I couldn't find my camera, so no obscene photo's! But I can tell you it was REALLY painful.
After 7 minutes I looked up at the clock, convinced at least 15 minutes must have passed. My thighs were itching and burning so much my necck and feet were going into spasms.
After 15  minutes I nearly threw in the towel, the heat was so intense I was hopping around the kitchen with my legs splayed apart like a spatchcocked chicken groaning and whining, my two dogs looking on curiously at this new behaviour.
I thought I'd stopped doing it due to lack of time, I realised it is not only excrutiatingly, eye-wateringly painful, but also highly inconvenient. The mud is black/green and very sticky, I chose my oldest pair of primark knickers and with a 'light massage' spread it liberally over the affected areas. Then I had to get the cling film out, of course, cling film is in the cupboard drawer which sticks and you should try bending over with black mud all over your hands and legs and tugging on a crappy wooden drawer which refuses to open.
Needless to say the clingfilm is no longer foodsafe, and the contents of the drawer ended up all over the kitchen floor.
The measurement of the chubbiest part was fun too, I don't have a tape measure and so i had to cut a piece of string to size, with muddy fingers because I had aready started smearing the stuff on before I remembered I was supposed to measure the meatiness. The scissors were out of sight and so I ended up using a blunt table knife and nearly pronging myself in the process. Anyway, for the record they were both measured at 68cm. I have to go throught the suffering again tommorrow according to the instructions and then I'll measure again and see if there has been any change.
This morning I got up early and took fat dog and rat dog out for a walk, nothing special, just around the block a couple of times, but better than nothing! Still finding it easy enough to stay off the choc, although the cheese and wine isn't as easy to avoid...
Tommorrow I hope to have a little more time and will publish my stats from the super scales I told you about.
The mud I'm using is called GUAM and is apparently a mix of algae from unpolluted seas and mud. Is there a sea which can still be classified as unpolluted I ask myself? Anyway, it brought back memories of my best friend Jo and I , aged 12 wallowing in the mud near Southend pier and laughing about the idiots who paid good money to have it slapped on...

Shrinking violets?

Well I wasn't sure if I'd publish my weight day by day or once a week as recommended by Weight Watchers But seeing as I weighed myself this morning and I am now 12st 7lbs I thought I'd celebrate with you! I know I know it's just water etc etc BUT what you lot don't know is that I have super sophisticated scales which also tell me my percentage of body water (which is far too low) and percentage of body FAT (which is far too high.) The slightly worrying thing is that when I bought the damn things two years ago they said my bones weighed 11kilos (when I did everything in kilos) and now they only weigh 10.9 kilos. This means I have lost bone mass, either through lack of weight lifting, yoga, swimming or let's be totally honest MOVEMENT- or because I am developing osteoporosis?
Anyway the good news is I got up again this morning, slightly more willingly than usual and proceeded to stretch and bend my once supple limbs in order to retrain the muscles that are hiding in the lardy bits. I realised I can hardly touch my toes and it really hurts to do that lunging type exercise which once was soooo easy. I wanted to go out with the dogs this morning for a brisk walk, (I won't exaggerate and say I wanted to run even if it had crossed my mind) but it was tipping it down, in a way that you can understand only if you have ever lived in a country further south than Milan. So no run for the FAT dog, no run for FAT me, saved until a brighter day.
Oh yes, I bought a new tracksuit yesterday size LARGE and I didn't bother trying it on, I thought to myself 'there's no way I'm EXTRA LARGE, is there?' well the newsflash is that when I tried it on this morning I looked like one of those vacuum packed salami sausages in navy blue nylon. I can kid myself that I'm losing weight to get into it, but from the woman who was incapable of dieting to get into her wedding dress, I'm being realistic! It'll have to go back to the supermarket and I have to swallow my pride and get that FATLADY tracksuit...
Oh yes, my husband should be off tonight to his Aikido(dancing) lesson so I thought I'd try that mud I bought two years ago to melt away my cellulite, if I can find a tapemeasure I'll measure my thunder thighs before and after wrapping myself in clingfilm and wandering around the house getting everything muddy..
Til tommorrow! fat fighters of the Universe!

PHOTO evidence day 1

used to call them 'thunder thighs' or 'hockey legs'

trying not to look like Mrs. Bean

fat dog's tummy

my fat tummy

NEW for OLD

Well I was thinking today how to make this slimming thing fun and funky, and I thought I'd dig out all those crazy muds and creams I've bought over the years which promise to melt away the cellulite and try them out in the name of science. What I'll do is measure various girths and try to follow their instructions and then see if anything changes.

The other thing I'm seriously gonna try is to get up a bit earlier and do some stretching and stuff. This morning I got my husband to show me his Aikido warm up so we stretched and wobbled around the bedroom this morning before getting showered and I have to admit I felt much better, more energetic than I have for ages.

If this diet and blog help keep me motivated ( I could see my husband dying to ask me WHY? WHY do you feel the need to hang it all out on the net?) then the sky is the limit! I mean I'm dying to write a novel but lack the will power/strength/motivation maybe this is the way forward? Who else has had an experience where blogging has helped them achieve a long lost sight of goal? I read Julie Powell's book of cooking and blogging and Gretche Rubin's book about her happiness project. It could be just the thing- like a sponsored swim when we were kids, the idea people are following you, rooting for you helps you keep it all in the air.

day 1 how did it go?

WELL.... day one officially went rather well. Surprisingly. It was Sunday and I decided I had to start as I mean to go on, so I set the alarm for 7.30, allowing myself a half an hour lie-in. My old and infirm cat, who is also blind, woke us up at six o'clock, miaowing and shuffling about under the bed in a blind confusion. Let me explain, my cat is nearly 20 in my reckoning and has moments of total blindness which are heartbreaking to see. sometimes she can see well, othertimes just makes out light and dark or movement. My long suffering husband, who has perfect vision and sense of smell, complained some minutes later of a 'shitty smell', I had had flu and my nose was totally and utterly bunged up and could smell nothing, so of course I told him he was imagining things and to go back to sleep.
Yep, you guessed it, after another half an hour of him insisiting he could smell poo, I got up and moved the bed and there was a massive poo LOG under there! Poor old Mona had obviously got lost and decided any port in a storm. Ooops!
Anyway, after being forced to get up and clean under the bed we had breakfast and decided to take the dogs to the beach.
A wonderful long walk for me and lots of galloping around for them. First goal achieved - do more exercise.
For supper we had pizza, but with a slimming difference! I made it myself! So instead of putting a tablespoonful of olive oil in I put a dessertspoonful and none on the top and made our own tomato sauce sugar free etc etc. Result- delicious dietary pizza!
Already felt thinner, slimmer and happier! way to go!

FAT FLABBY and nearly FORTY

Ha! well on April 25 I'll be 39 and this morning for some sadomasochist reason I changed the scales from kilos (which mean almost nothing to me emotionally) to stones and pounds. I am the great total of 12STONE and 10POUNDS unbelievable. Of course I feel lazy and run down! the amazing thing is I don't eat as much chocolate as I did I don't drink as much as I used to and so if my pleasures are gone, why is it RIGHT that I should be soooo DAMN FAT?
Ok so here's the plan, use this blog to help me keep motivated to losing weight.
Even if noone actually reads it I KNOW it's out there...
I will post some terrible FAT photo's of my self. and hopefully as time goes on some better ones...

Then I was thinking, why not add my FAT DOG too! seeing as it is my fault she has got FAT let's hope my movement will help her to get back in shape! weight today of FAT DOG is 40K or 6stone 4lb!! I mean she is a big boned dog but she has a tummy on her that puts me to shame!

The problem isn't what we eat so much as the fact we all lead totally sedentary lifestyles. I teach from 9am to 9pm with perhaps a 2 hour break to eat and since I took the teaching job in the morning the dogs don't walk with me every day to work like they used to so she spends four days out of seven sleeping in her kennel. and as for me, like a fat lardy lorrydriver I spend all my days sitting on my flabby arse and it just gets bigger and wobblier as I do less and less.

Sop here's the plan; analyze what I do and even more important DON'T do everyday to maximise my energy consumption and minimise energy intake!
Include dogs in my daily exercise routine more frequently.
try to find ways to exercise while sitting down and teaching, like tummy clenches or buttock clenches ( my students might think I've got wind, but hey, that's a small price to pay!)
I'm gonna measure our girths too and once a week post the measurements to track progress!

The other most important reason for doing this is because I'd love to get pregnant, and being overweight can have negative effects on your fertility, as well as my self-esteem. The fact I'm married now shouldn't be an excuse to slide down the slippery slope of chubbiness.
fingers crossed!