Fat = protection?

I didn't manage to get my tush out of bed and get out for a walk. In fact I stayed in all day today. I was doing heavy duty housework though. Moving heavy furniture and exterminating the ants' nest which was hidden behind my dresser full of pots and pans. This exercise also gave me the ideal opportunity to sort out a cupboard in which I have been hoarding beauty and slimming products. OUT fake tan spray, OUT glittery sun tan cream, OUT cloggy mascara. But I did dust off my slimming clay, now I have a little more time to myself I should be able to fit that in once a week, I rediscovered a cellulite massage roller and cream which I will start using morning and evening too. Why not? Otherwise I might as well chuck it out.

I feel like this 'clean and clear' is rejuvenating, energising. It must be linked to the reasons I let myself put on too much weight in the first place. It's so clear to me that being fat, for me, is totally tied up in not caring about myself, not loving myself. I was fat as a teenager too, and that happened when I lost my self esteem. I started to pig out on chocolate and snacks and just got bigger and bigger. I have been a yo-yo dieter all my life when I look back. Puberty and going on the pill at 16 took its toll on my figure, depression stepped in at 18 and it wasn't until I was 20something I found the gym and started to find myself. When I got depressed I stopped eating and lost weight in an unhealthy way, but was unable to keep it off, naturally. It also meant when I met guys interested in me I didn't trust them because I knew that they would have never shown an interest when I was fat.

Now it's different, this fat is complacency. I'm married, I've got a beautiful little boy and I feel good! Good enough to let myself go, secure might be a better word. And it's not positive. That's what I mean about tidying out my cupboards. Let go of all that junk, you are secure in the world, you don't need to hold on to that old crap, nor your fat. You are divinely protected and loved and you don't need cushions of fat to protect you, nor do you need useless stuff clogging up your life.